onAmission’s blog

I've been having this pain in my chest, I'm pretty sure its my heart. It aches often, and doesn't quite beat the same. I'm lonely. I'm missing the basket case that I still love. How do you get over someone, that you can't get out of your mind? I'm taking suggestions! Sometimes, I think about packing up, and leaving in the middle of the night. Not tell anyone that I'm leaving, or where I'm going. Just drive, away from here, as far as I can go! I need to do something, everything about this place makes me think of her. I wish she was as easy to get over as I was for her. I feel like I'm limbo, nothing good is happening for me, and I don't see any cloudbreak in sight. I've gotta get outta here, and go somewhere, where I can spread my wings, smell the ocean and walk the beach daily. That's what I need to be happy. I want to be walking distance from decent surf, I want to feel the cool ocean mist on my face nightly.

Their is someone here, that does take my mind off of the ex, but I'm not ready to date again, though I do miss having companionship. I think that is the main thing I'm lacking in my life, that and a job! Fuck my life is stressful, and isn't looking very bright! I'm afraid of failure, so I don't want to try, anything. I'm afraid to start a career, because I'm afraid I'll hate it, and I don't want to hate what I do, especially if I go to school for it. I'll feel like all the effort was a waste. I wish I had someone in my life to motivate me, and push me to be a better person. This girl, who I've had a crush on since high school, has a daughter, and she is the cutest thing! I'm not even sure if she's single! Pretty sad huh? We've kinda chatted back and forth on the space, but it's going slowly. Maybe that's a good thing, if she is in anyway interested or attracted to me. I would love to get to know her on a more personal level, and I could really see myself with her. I think she would be a good match for me. She seems motivated, and she takes care of herself. I love her appearance, I think we'd look good together! I guess if I had a type, she pretty much be it!

Going to bed now, tired and full! Time for a movie

7/7/08 2 a days

Fuck, I'm just trying to get by! Our economy is soo shitty right now, their are no jobs, hell you even have to pay money to apply for financial aide! WTF is that? It doesn't make since to me, and I trully hope our new president can turn things around, and lower gas prices. Its not even worth it to try and find a job worth commuting for, paychecks would go straight into the gas tank! Gas stations should start cashing peoples paychecks! I wish our people would learn that our govt. should fear us, the people, instead of us being afraid of our govt. If we stood together, against the govt. on such things as gas prices, I really think we could make a difference, and bring down the costs. But our people are lazy and overweight, maybe if we put a petition out in a bulletin over Myspace, people could just sign it, just so they don't have to do anything that really involves energy! They lowered the price of crude oil nearly $5, and our gas prices went up! How is that possible? How is it that our gas prices grew $3 from the time Bush took office to now. It more then doubled with one president. Sorry, red flags are going off in my head. Its rediculous to think about, almost un-fathamable. And no one is doing anything about it. Ooooh, they sent out stimulus checks, that doesn't even put a dent in the debt our people are in because of our economy situation. At this moment, I don't want to have any kids, I don't want them to have to grow up in our society, and deal with the mess we're in. At this point, the North American Union isn't sounding half bad, if that could fix our problem, I'm all for it! I really just wish our country could get its shit together!

7/7/08 Livin' the low life

So I just went to the Grand Canyon, and I'm not impressed. I mean, I get it, its a natural thing, but all it is, is a fucking hole in the ground, 277 miles long. I'm glad that I seen it, but it looks the exact same on t.v. and really, their isn't much to look at. Its the same thing everywhere you look! I don't think I'll be coming back, unless I have kids that want to see it or some shit! I'm pretty much ready to go back to camp. We stopped in some town for lunch, and to watch some thing about the Grand Canyon at an Imax theatre. Now were in Arizona, and of all the places we could stop, we go to fucking Wendy's? At this point, I'm soo fucking irritated, and just ready to go home. Most of my time is sitting around watching movies, deffinetly not as cool as I thought it was going to be. All I know, is Vegas better be awesome, or I'm gonna be pissed! I think this will be my last family vacation with my folks, I love em and all, but their's just soo much shit that is irritating me. Fucking Wendy's? I have one a half mile away from my house, I could eat this shit any day I want, yet we come to Arizona for it? I can understand if were driving, and don't have a lot of time, but fuck, this is gay. Maybe if I had someone to hang out with, this would be a better vacation, but this sucks. At least I have friends that are gonna be in Vegas this weekend, as long as I don't feel like shit, this weekend should kick some serious ass! I need to get back to camp and smoke a bowl!

6/4/08 Not much grand about this canyon!

Its the night before we leave from my Aunt and Uncles house in Southern California, in the Mojave Dessert. Where we are, is considered the high dessert. They sometimes get a little bit of snow, and they're about 30-45 min. away from rideable terrain and lifts. This town has been pretty cool, and I'm gonna miss it, and the Trudeau family. Now I better clarify, they're not actually my Aunt and Uncle, but they've always treated me like family, better then a lot of my actual family, and I've always considered them nothing less. Their house is amazing, they have a massive pool & hot tub with fiber optics, gas fire pit, and a bad ass bar and bbq nook! Its kinda like being at a resort, especially if you knew them. They want to do everything for you, and don't want you to move a muscle! They are some of the kindest people you could ever know. On Friday night, we went to Austin's baseball game, he's about to be a freshmen in high school, and he's pretty good, he's also a football player. Now his game and Brocks game Saturday morning, his little brother who's the exact opposite of Austin, were complete blowouts! I was stoked to be here for it. Other then the games, we did a lot of hanging out and catching up. BBQ'd, swam and watched Urijah Faber take it to Jens Pulver in the ECW Featherweight Championship Bout. I knew Urijah was gonna win, and they fought in such a gentlemenly fashion, showing so much respect for each other, it was nice to see that.

So I accidentally forgot the adaptor for my phone charger at home, so my phone died and I could nothing about it. I didn't really care too much though, I am on vacation after all! But their is a certain comfort of having my phone, its especially nice when I'm feeling like shit, it gives me something to do. So today I called over to the Sprint® store at the local mall, to see if they had one, and how much. Now I know their is no way in hell I wouldn't have gotten the answer that I received back home, the girl told me yes, and when I asked how much, she said she would give it to me! I was almost speechless. Now when I got to this mall, I was amazed, it was one of the nicest malls I've ever been to. It had everything, and the people all seemed happy, it was the exact opposite of the Somersville Town Center! Even store employees seemed hell of courteous, when I got to the store, I explained that I had called earlier, and right away the girl got up and headed to the back. We she returned, she gave me the adaptor, along with a second adapter and another charger! All for free, and with a smile, so I gave them $20 and told them how much I appreciated it. It makes me wonder why the hell I'm still living in Antioch, and then I remember how much it would cost to move! Now, when I get the chance, I'm gone, and their's no looking back!

6/1/08 Lancaster, CA"Trudeau's Hidden Lake"

On the way to Southern California, after a couple hours of sleep, and paying $20 to throw up last night!

5/30/08 ...and the journey begins

You know what's worse then loving someone you can't have? Loving someone that you don't want.

5/28/08 Just words to ponder...

This was us @ Denny's @ about 4:30 in the morning, after a long night of not drinking on my part, but some hardcore hanging out @ someones apartment. We were loud as fuck, and no one called the cops! Couldn't believe it. But Denny's was a great way to end the night, as I was trying to get home to sleep before the sun came up, and I had to work that day! Oh, by the way, that day of work, fucking sucked!!! Everyone else got pretty faded that night, I was a good DD.

5/15/08 Late night, early morning, call it what you will!

So for a little over a month, I've had some sort of flu. I have the whole stuffy head, sore throat, cough, and every few days I'll throw up and feel nausious. I feel like I'm getting plenty of sleep, but can't seem to get over whatever this is. Not to mention I hate doctors and hospitals in general, and I don't have medical. I know, lame right? I gotta get that taken care of, especially before snowboard season! Work is lame, and working these hours has really thrown my body off, and I think that may have a minor contribution to me still being sick, oh and work 8 days straight doesn't help either. I got vitamins to help build up my immune system, and just for the overall benefit.

I hate my job! I'm thinking about getting back into piercing. The owner of Zebras Tattoo shop in Berkeley, is talking about opening a Zebras in Walnut Creek. If that happens, I might be their piercer. If not, I may go to Galaxxi Tattoo shop in Berkeley. I'd rather go for Zebras, we'll see what happens. Hopefully, it happens soon. I can't take much more of this place! Its pretty much everything about the place, but its something.

Other then all of that, everything has been kosher!

5/6/08 Sick and tired, of being sick and tired!

So, this is where I'm at. I'm getting to the point where I'm over my last relationship, and not really sure what's next for me. I've been thinking about it a bit, and I don't know if I want to get involved with anyone right now. Their are a couple of ladies that I have interest in, but I don't know if I'm ready to deal with the typical responsibilities that are involved in being in a relationship. I would however, like to find someone that I can have fun with, go do stuff with, maybe sometimes go out together, spend time together, that kind of thing. I just don't want something serious, I'm a little traumatized from my last roller coaster ride! I often think of really fun things to do, but have no girl to go with, and taking one of my buddies wouldn't be the same, if you know what I mean. I've hung out with one girl a couple of times so far. We used to date, but I didn't give her a chance. I kind of blew her off for someone else, I know, I'm an asshole for it, and I agree. I think she is a really rad girl, beautiful, tattoo'd and fun. I don't know if she be into me after the shit I pulled with her.

Sooo, I hate my job! They always make me fucking close, I hate closing. Its slow, and boring as fuck. Really pisses me off. I think I really need to start looking for a new job stat. I want a mon-fri 9-5 type of job. I want my weekends off, and to be able to enjoy the evenings! Also, I don't want to wear ties anymore. It was cool at first, not so cool anymore. I work with a couple cool people, others just annoy the shit outta me. I hate the fucking mall! I don't know what I'm gonna be able to find, but at least I have something to hold me over for now. I'd like to be able to wear my normal clothes, and hell, even hats if I so please, and where tattoos make no difference. What I really need to do, is make a decision on a career, and get back to school. But I'm having a lot of difficulty figuring it out. I mean, this is something I'm gonna be doing until I retire! I though being a chef would be good, but then at the same time, they're standing the entire time, and when I stand for a while, my feet go completely numb, and it adds to my neck and back pain. My back injury is a huge problem with narrowing down a career, so many things that I'm limited to, now trying to find something that is compatible with me and my personality type, and that I have interest in. I hate jobs that are slow and boring. Takes the motivation right out of me.

Having my other cat Eddie back, (used to be my ex's) has been awesome. He's putting on weight, Kona has been happier, they keep each other company, and provide each other companionship. They go together like peas and carrots. When they're apart from each other, they're almost like different cats. They needed each other.

I think I'm gonna go surfing this weekend, if I get a fucking day off, and was thinking about seeing if said girl wants to go. She seems like the more adventerous type. Like she'd be into hiking, and camping and shit. She said she's kinda into nascar, which is a big plus! She's not from Antioch, another big plus!!! Hahahaha She's also really cool, and laid back. I've noticed I keep talking about her, and bringing her up. I'm a little worried that I may have a crush on her. I was kinda wanting to meet someone new, and not from Antioch! Too many people talk here, and admist all that talking, a lot of shit is spoken. That's, for the most part, the way people from around here. Fucking bitches, I'm going to bed.

4/27/08 Update

Lately, I've been having second thoughts about culinary school,the reason being, my back. I stand for hours now, but I get to sit down when we're not busy, as is, I'm in a lot of pain. I can't stand for long periods, my feet go numb, working its wayup my legs, and I get sharp pains from my ass crack, to bout the middle of the my back, and my neck. And if I sit for more 20 minutes or so, same thing happens, and sometimes my hands go numb too. As a chef, I would be on my feet, non stop, my entire shift. I'm not sure that I can take it. When I'm in pain, I'm a completely different person. I'm moody, cranky, can't focus, and get very frustrated. I think it would be hard to maintain a career in this condition. I have days where I wake up, and can't really move at all. Its frustrating as hell, it affects my relationships, I don't like to go out because I know I'll be standing the whole time, and I'll be in a bad mood because I'm in pain. That was a big part in what ruined my last relationship on my behalf. Now, of course, my Dr. doesn't want to do surgery because of my age, so instead they want to keep me doped up on pain killers and muscle relaxers. Now that's a life worth living. Frustrating, not knowing what is going to be the best career path for me to get into, that I'm also interested in as well.

4/22/08 Minor Setbacks